Dear Dr. George Church

Dear Dr. George Church,

I am a female who ovulates quite regularly (once a month, to be exact). As such, I feel like my uterus is probably a hospitable environment for a Neanderthal fetus. (I've always thought that if I were to ever give birth, I'd prefer my offspring to be furry in nature. I was originally thinking a puppy or kitten, but I guess science is neat, too.)

I am concerned about a "larger cranial size" exiting my birth canal, but I like a challenge. 

Since it's probably illegal in Canada, can I give birth in an exotic locale?

Yours,

An Adventurous Female Human

Dear J. Lockhart

Dear Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I don't own a freshly birthed baby (no, really, I don't) but I suspect that sometimes it can get a bit tiring. So I've decided to add that "wow" factor to your day by mailing this very sexy and amazing nasal aspirator. (Oooh! Aaah!) I'm concerned about little Noah's potential inability to breathe and I love thinking/talking/writing about baby mucous. It's my favourite kind of mucous, in fact. (Although I'm really more of a blood and pus kind of gal.) Seriously though, I can't wait to meet Noah and awkwardly try to engage him in political discussion. (Babies like that, right?) Let me know when you're game for a visit.

XOXO

Thinking of you,

Jess

Dear Coca-Cola

Dear Coca-Cola and WWF,

Would you be offended in a third-party aired an international advertisement with a glaring factual error about Coca-Cola? 

Well, the polar bears are offended, too.

Being "born without a sense of sight" (ie-blind) is not the same as being born with your eyes closed. FACT. 

All these years, I've believed that drinking Coke is key to being happy, successful, athletic, sexy, smart and refreshed. Have you been lying this entire time?

Thinking of you,

Jess

Dear Stephenie Meyer

Dear Stephenie,

I have a pressing question for you--when Rosalie discovered that it was possible for a human and a vampire to conceive, instead of protecting Bella, why didn't she try to force a human male to impregnate her? I'm sure there'd be some vampire worshipping computer programming type that would have been all over that jazz. Rosalie could have popped one out, I'm sure of it. So, just wondering. (If you use this as a plot for future novels, I will require compensation. It's brilliant, I know.)

Thinking of you,

Jessica

Dear Netflix Canada

Dear Netflix,

Thanks for making "because it's Tuesday night and our next best option is watching 'The New Guy' just for Zoey Deschanel" a legitimate excuse to watch Justin Beiber's "Never Say Never" in its entirety. Only Netflix's library could have driven us to these extremes and for that, I'm grateful. Watching grown women cry over a teenage boy is quality entertainment.

Thinking of you,

Jess

Dear Christian Hand

Dear Christian,

Thank you for your excellent wine pouring skills. Your sense of humour, tact and ability to [over]pour was much appreciated and the highlight of a horrible tour that started with the bus failing to pick us up. I'm certain you know lots about grapes too, which is surely a lifesaving skill when faced with irate women.

Thinking of you,

Jess

P.S. We got a refund!

Dear Kraft Canada

Dear good people at Kraft Foods Canada,

I think you need to create a revised marketing campaigned devoted solely to pistachio flavoured Jell-o pudding. I cannot find it anywhere and my boyfriend says he's never had it before. PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE DENIED PISTACHIO PUDDING! Please consider donating marketing dollars to this worthwhile cause.

Thinking of you,

Jessica

Dear Wolfman Harvey

Dear Wolfman Harvey,

Thank you, as always, for providing exceptional customer service. And, of course, for having facial hair. It's always appreciated. (This postcard serves as an addition to your "beard tip.")

Yours,

From Up North

Here I Am.

I'm over here, too.